I stayed awake throughout the entire day. God I'm so fucking tired holy shit. Also, math thesis is next
wednesday, I want to fucking die.
I slept throughout the entire day.
Today's a day without school, but I still am forced to wake up because I have to go visit my mother, since
I didn't do that last week. I crawl my way to her place only to waste three hours doing absolutely nothing.
At least I had my laptop, but it didn't really help my condition.
He wanted to talk. The other cunt from the trip gang apparently wanted to have some sort of therapy session
over Discord to fix our shitty fucking relationship or something like that. Well that's too bad for him,
because I barely run anything on my laptop and I wasn't going to waste even more time doing that shit. I
have enough to worry about already.
He continued to piss me off while I kept trying to distance him from me. Unfortunately, all my attempts of
telling him to fuck off again were in vain. Also, he watched that anime I talked about in 221117
without me so fuck him for that too. At least he didn't spoil it too much and I can watch it peacefully now.
I wish he'd leave me alone again.
FUCK NO! I was walking back home from school today and then BOOM, someone grabs me from behind out of
nowhere. 'What the fuck?', I wonder as I turn around to see one of the cunts from the trip gang. I ask him
what he wants and he says that the 'therapy session is over'. I tell him to fuck off and attempt to walk
away. I'm over this. Fuck off, cunt, don't drag me back in your shit.
But alas, I failed miserably. In the blink of an eye we were at my place wasting our time. I at least
pretended to enjoy myself, although I wanted him to leave as soon as possible. Unfortunatly, he spent most
of the day here. Fuck.
In the end I show him to the door, he leaves and I waddle towards my computer. I forgot to write this update,
so here it is now. Why? Why couldn't this period of loneliness be longer? I fall asleep at around 4 A.M.,
uncertain wether I wanted this to happen after all or not.
FUCK YEAH! I got that 3 at chemistry! Also thesis went great, I managed to look most of it up online, thank
God. Yesterday's situation seems to have resolved as mysteriously as it began, weird.
I'm currently confused about wether I'm glad the guys are gone or if I'm just lying to myself. I can't avoid
seeing one of them in most places I frequent online, but now instead of getting depressed I get kinda angry.
Yeah, fuck them! (I think?)
Man, ain't nothing like a depressing, sleepy and cloudy Monday! I was supposed to go to school but my
dad was in the kitchen for about an hour and something. Weird, but I waited for him to call for me so
we can leave. It didn't happen. I didn't want to ruin his morning with my poor social skills so I
decided it's best to shut the fuck up. I have a guitar I rarely play so I starded fucking around with
that since I had nothing better to do. I'm not a theory guy so I don't really know anything about writing,
but I came up with the most depressing composition in the world. Ok, maybe not, but this was one of
The signals can be anything. They appear in the morning and if I can spot them I can determine how a day
is going to go. These things were pretty much flawless up until now, because the predictions were always
right. So, as I guessed, a while later my dad comes inside my room and asks me if I'm going to school today.
"Is that a question?", I inquire. He then throws the clamest and most fuck-this-shit-kind-of-feeling rant
about how he'll take care of the absences today. Still confused until I hear the line: "You can stay at
home forever" that lets me know I fucked up, but I can't understand how or when. I start thinking about
this and notice that he left soon afterwards. The fuck did I do?
My grandma came over and phoned my dad but his phone was turned off. While she's probably worried about
wether he's still alive or not I'm thinking about what the hell I'm going to do tomrrow because I have
a fucking thesis and that chemistry shit I didn't do. Fucking hell, why the fuck is this week starting
out so fucking bad? I'd go to sleep but at this point I'd rather die of sleep depravation so I'll stay
up for as long as possible. Fuck.
God fucking dammit I have school again tomorrow and I still haven't started on that fucking chemistry
thing. It's 12 A.M. and I'm sitting here by myself playing Violated Heroine, fuck my life.
Update: I just consulted my buddy the internet and it says that pulling an all-nighter is better than
having three hours of sleep. I sure thought so myself, since my usual 4 to 6 hours of sleep end up with
me walking without a soul. I won't sleep tonight and chug some coffe in the morning. There's a slight
chance I'll be quizzed (or whatever the word is) at geography tomorrow. God, give me strenght.
Update: I just swallowed some of my mucus and now I want to die.
Fuck, I spend so much time on the computer that my head's starting to hurt. That's not enough to
stop me, though. Today I spent the day doing absolutely nothing because it's Saturday. I just
remembered I said I'd start the chemestry stuff. Eh, maybe tomorrow. Probably not.
I have a thesis next week but it's not hard to cheat on that particular subject with that particular
teacher so I'm not extremely worried about it. I'm more stressed out and pissed off about chemistry.
Augmented and diminished grades are fucking retarded, give me what I earned. Also fuck that "you do
the thing for an extra point but lose two if you don't" shit.
History test prediction: between 2 and 4
I was really tired today so I skipped IT class or whatever it's called. I had the luck to be alone
in the classroom so I took another chair and made a small bed in the corner of the classroom where
my seat was. I pulled a vest I had over myself, emptied my backpack and used it as a pillow and
drifted away to sleep. I got woken up by a notebook to the face, refreshing.
During the last class we had our teacher decided we should talk about what I dub "american shit we
shouldn't give a fuck about". Today's topic: unisex bathrooms. I get that's it's not an exclusively
american thing, but the conversation quickly devolved to our edgy classmate screaming about genders
and that will always make me thing of the land of the free. We're opressing people, oh no! There's
no way our country is going to see unisex bathrooms any time soon. Maybe after everyone else gets
one we'll be among the last but who knows? It's moments like these when I'm glad I save up my phone
Kinda sucks that I forget to write the updates until after 12 A.M. Oh well.
History test tomorrow, you know the drill! Praying to be able to cheat a 5 like usual. I still
haven't started on the chemistry shit. I want to start on Saturday but I probably won't and that
three will be coming coming straight towards me.
Ironically enough, I couldn't cheat at chemistry and that's just the grade that gets diminished
because I didn't do some useless shit! Ain't that cool? I mean hey, I earned that 5 and she makes
it a three? I bet she won't even give me the promised extra point if I do end up writing that
fuckton of shit. Fuck off.
Math test went ok, I'll score a three :-)
Thank God for the guy sitting next to me that whispered what I have to use on a problem in the
last five minutes. If it weren't for him I would have scored a one. Speaking of grades, here's
some interesting trivia about mine: I scored everything from 2 to 10 at least once in my life,
but the only thing that's missing is a one! It's coming soon enough, I can feel it.
Still no word from trip gang. I kinda miss them but I found out that drowning myself in anime
takes my mind off of pretty much anything. However, there are those awkward moments here and
there when I want to rip my face off and cry inside because I know what's going to happen, so
what do I do then, you ask?
Well, we used to have a Discord server, the three of us, and their old accounts are still there,
but offline because they deleted them. I'll never understand this "starting over" thing. So when
something happens, I write down everything that goes through my soul in that dead server while
pretending that somebody will at some point read it. I usually also attach a screencap of the
scene or a meme to go with what I wrote. Yeah, it's sad.
Me and one of the guys were watching an anime before the whole trip armageddon and I stopped
watching it thinking that we'll get back together later on. However, that idea seems retarded
right now. I was thinking of asking him if I can watch the rest of it without him, but I don't
want to be the first to give in, they can't know I miss them, r-right? Anyway, I guess that's
just going to the "forever on hold" list.
Huge tests coming up the following weeks. I hope I'll be able to cheat on most of them. I
still haven't started on that chemistry shit. Fuck my life.
Had that chemistry test. I did manage to get a 5 that should have become a 3, but my teacher
insisted that I write that shit by next tuesday. I told her to fuck off and write that 3 down
(maybe not like that, though) but no, I have to write that shit no matter what.
I have a math test tomorrow. It's going to be my first one this semester because I skipped the
first two. I have no idea wether I'll be able to pull myself through this semseter or not at
this point. I'll fail math, at least that's for sure.
I'm starting to get back into jazz.
It's been one whole week without having any friends. I've been through this before for way
longer but still, I forgot that it takes quite some time to get used to this. My mood swings
are still as frequent as before.
I have that chemistry test tomorrow and guess what! That's absolutely right, I didn't study
for it at all. We also had to do some extra writing shit, basically copying 30 pages from the
textbook to our notebooks, and we'd get 1 bonus point for that. Now the REALLY FUCKING COOL
THING is that if we DON'T waste our time transcribing all that shit TWO (2) points are taken
out of our final score, ain't that great? So let's say I manage to pull off a 5 (1-10 grading),
that means I'd actually get a 3. Goodbye, hopes and dreams of passing this semester.
Nothing. I miss having someone to talk to.
Nothing interesting happened today. I woke up at 5 P.M. and I think they're probably having
fun while I'm sitting here doing absolutely nothing. I expect tomorrow to be as dull as today
Not much happened today but I'm starting to miss having someone to talk to. It's not
unbearable, though. Each day I grow a little more used to the situation and at the same time
I get sadder because I have nobody to discuss retarded shit with. Then again, I think back
to how much they could annoy me sometimes. I found out that focusing on what I hated most
about them kinda helps me cope with everything. The real sorrow is probably yet to come,
it usually takes quite some time for my subconscious to realize that something happened.
Another thing that happened is that Discord bugged out today and showed that I recieved a
message from one of them. Before clicking it I considered wether I should go through with
this or not. I was kind of happy that he's back but kind of disappointed that it only took
four days for one of us to give in. I decided to say "Fuck it." and I clicked away only to
find out that no actual message has been sent to me and that the past 50 messages or so were
just marked as new, even mine.
It's 12 A.M.
A little more backstory: the guy I watched that movie with dragged me into a thing he
wanted to do with one of his classmates. His mate is supposedly good at programming
so they wanted to make a game. This cunt didn't take it seriously and that's exactly why
he invited me to join in. The prog guy was kinda like me, a social outcast with few friends,
but we didn't really talk more than a few sentences.
So his mate was going to make the game, this motherfucker offered to draw the sprites even
though he doesn't know how to draw, and I was supposed to make the music. And by the way all
the money he said he'd put into a drawing tablet went towards a laughable gaming PC instead.
The game concept evolved and devolved as follows:
Text adventure about a deaf and blind man
Some 2D sidescroller thing they discussed without me
What I saw today
The final product is... I can't even describe it because there's nothing to describe. It's
literally one small, black dot over a grayish-white background. And that's it. No animations,
no interaction, no music, no menus, no nothing. That's how serious he was about it. I have
no idea why I got my hopes up for this, I should have seen it coming. This is a mobile game
by the way.
He let the poor guy down. He doesn't want this pathetic excuse of a "game", that's made
clear by the fact that he tried to insist on checking with me first, to which my amazing
friend replied with "Believe me he doesn't care". I can't say anything now or, at least,
I have no idea what I should be saying. The thing is done and ready to deploy, I guess?
Tomorrow I'll be able to get it myself and who knows, maybe I'll write a more detailed
Not much happened today. I still hate myself for what a shitty person I am. Oh, well.
I also found out that the girl I think I might currently have a crush on doesn't get
along well with a really cute girl that I wish would be my daughter. The news saddened
me even more when I realized I'll never have a cute daughter. Or any daughter.
Life's tough, but at least I can always say fuck it and sleep it off at 3AM for 4 hours.
Man, I'm such a fucking mess.
I skipped chemistry because we had a test that I didn't study for (huge surprise). The
upstairs bathroom was under maintenance so I had to sprint down to the other one and
hope that nobody sees me. Some fucking retards also came there to smoke their shit and
intoxicate the place and they acted all friendly and one apparantly knew who I was. I
didn't recognize him but I played along.
Two more of my classmates came in but thank God they don't smoke. After a quick chit-chat
I waited for around twenty minutes, the time it usually takes for the halls to clear up,
and I vigilantly walked back upstairs to wait on a bench behind a thing next to our
classroom. It went ok and I resumed classes. I hate leaving the classroom but sometimes
I have to do it. Well, I don't, but it's probably for the best that I do.
My head hurt all throughout the day. I wanted to brag about how shitty everyone is but
I had nobody to go to. Interesting.
I got home, waited for my dad to leave for work and started binging Gugure! while full of
shame. It was pretty cute though so I guess it helped a bit.
Me and my two friends got pretty pissed off over some trip kind of thing beacuase I
said I thought it's a stupid fucking idea that couldn't even happen anyway and I'd
rather they try to go and I stay home. But of course it couldn't end there, so they
kept trying to force me to come until 1AM when they went to sleep.
The dumbest thing is that this whole fucking idea came to be after I watched Kings of
Summer with one of them and his edge kicked in and started bugging me with le running
away memey. We don't have the money to do this. We would all get bored and realize that
living in the forest for a week is not entertaining and exciting but disgusting and
tiring. Oh, and it's supposed to be a secret so without our parents or something we'd
have to find some other way of transportation. Yeah, good luck with that.
We all agreed to stop talking to each other for a while and I decided that I'd document
my daily life during this period of time here on Neocities. I don't expect anyone to give
a shit though so let's see how it goes.